Taboos

2022-09-08

There are many taboos in life. You shouldn't do this, you should do that. You shouldn't wear your sparkly pink thong to your grandmother's funeral! you should bury dear old granny in a real coffin, instead of that box your carpet was shipped in. You should really start teaching your infant son that the word "cock! cock!" is not the sound chickens make.

 Some may say these taboos keep calm and civility in this life. Perhaps they may claim that these restrictions are the sole things upholding modern society; without them, all would descend into chaos. I try to avoid these people at all costs. These people are close minded, tense, and absolutely, ridiculously boring. You can't even sit down to have a chat with them without breaking at least five of their rules!

"So, Nat, how was your weekend?"

"Oh, not much happened... I sprayed my mom's house plants with Windex by accident, nothing much else."

"Nice, nice."

"Oh you want to hear something crazy? , a few days ago I was driving down Queen street and they put a speed bump right on the pedestrian crosswalk! I didn't see it, but as I rolled over it i heard quite a loud sound, perhaps like something snapping? And quite a loud scream. Heh, Toronto is pretty weird."

Now you, the reader, may disagree with me, think that social rules and taboos are good to have around. That's fine! I don't want to say you shouldn't have your opinion. In fact, that's another rule to avoid right there-- shouldn't. I'm not going to dictate your life. You can have your own opinion. Everyone can believe what they want.

That being said, I also can extremely disrespectfully disagree with any opinion of my choosing.

A Comprehensive List of Things You Can Do, Setting Yourself Free from Social Rules

- Replace the church stained glass windows with jam-covered plexiglass.

- Put super glue on the church pews so people will look disrespectful when they cannot stand up for the hymns.

- Walk into a high school with a ski mask and a screw driver, and replaced all the door knobs with pickles. To be extra cool, use the thin ones, precut into strips.

- Replace your mom's car's gear shift knob with a pickle.

- Cover the Christmas lights with pickles cut in half, to give them sort of a greenish glow. Festive!

- Announce what action you’re doing at any given time. Example: EAATTT. SLEEPPP. SKINNING DEER.